Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
