You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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