The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
