i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
just tell him i said nine months
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?