wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.