If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
