Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
