how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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