They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
