1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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