Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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