Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Everclear isn't food dammit
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
