Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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