i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
