What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
