I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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