i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
