The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dear god my vagina.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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