dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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