Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
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One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
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I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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