I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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