I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
