My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
