Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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