I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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