Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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