I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
