I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So squirting runs in the family.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
