Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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