Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
