good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
