Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
