Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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