first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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