So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
