I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
