the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
