he looks like a really good dad on facebook
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
