This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
