Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
