Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I am midnight drunk by noon
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
