Heybabeimwearingurpanties
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
