I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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