My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
