Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
