I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
