my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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