My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
