do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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