All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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