And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
