I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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