He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
