I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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