I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
