Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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