I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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