so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
