happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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